up and down

Since Charlie died I have had good weeks and bad weeks. 
Last week I have to say was a bad week. I found my emotions were up and down and the silliest of things could reduce me to tears. I found myself wanting to spend time on my own and that the company of others was hard to handle.

I think that not only was I thinking more about Charlie but it was also my mums birthday. 
I wasn't able to get back down to Leicester to go and visit family or visit Bradgate Park, where my mum's ashes are scattered. 

There were a lot of positive things happening for the charity and different things in the pipeline.
All our hard work seems to finally be paying off. 
We had secured a meeting with a NHS Dr to discuss the future of midwifery provisions for bereaved families. 
We had received the cheque from Asda that we had won in their green coin scheme.
We are even nearing the target of £5000 needed to enable us to register as a charity. 
We had even been to see a wooded area that we may possibly be able to rent to use for the charity.
So many positive things, so why did I feel so low. 

Sometimes I think when things are going well and we seem to be getting somewhere with the charity it makes me miss Charlie more. It also makes me feel a little angry as well, Why did we have to go through all of this?
I often sit and think to myself, I wish we weren't having to do this, we should have Charlie here with us to be making a fuss over and playing with not organising fundraisers in his memory.

None of us had ever had the thought that we would set up a charity, to be honest I don't think any of us would have ever wanted to set up a charity. 
We were just an ordinary family doing ordinary things. 
Never did I ever imagine us sitting round a boardroom table discussing NHS policies and procedures. 
None of us have any experience in doing any of the things we have found ourselves doing. 

There have been times when I think we could have all given up, but none of us ever would as that would have felt like letting Charlie down.

I know that it is normal to have times where things feel harder and more raw, and I know that different times of year are more difficult to cope with. 
When I am feeling low I often look at my step daughter, Carrie, Charlie's mum and see how strong she has been. 
She gives me the motivation to keep going, as whatever we are feeling is nothing compared to what she is going through. 
She shows such strength and courage and keeps on fighting for what is right in her sons memory. 

Another thing that helps me get myself together again is spending time with my granddaughters, and my step children. They make you realise that life is worth fighting for and that we can make a difference. 

We will all miss Charlie every day but I hope he feels proud of all the things that we have achieved in his name.