loss

I have experienced many deaths throughout my life and each one has been faced differently.

Growing up I experienced death first through the loss of a pet. I think this is most children's first loss and it is an important step in helping you deal with death. 

When I went into nursing as a career I knew that I would experience death and would have to care for people who were dying. Whilst I found this difficult I think because I could distance myself and put on a professional front it made it easier to cope with. There were patients that I became closer to and there passing did effect me, but I wouldn't usually let it show whilst at work. I often shed tears once I got home and had the support of my mum. 

Seeing death regularly can desensitise you to it and you learn to put on a facade. This doesn't mean you don't feel the emotions you just suppress them. I think I did this as a way of protecting my own mental health. If I had allowed myself to be upset all the time I wouldn't have been able to do my job properly or offer the right support to my patients or their families.

The first close family loss I remember was my Nan, she died suddenly and unexpected so none of us had time to prepare ourselves for her going away. I think when a death is sudden like this it is often harder to deal with and come to terms with. I remember thinking that although my nan was getting on it wasn't her time to go. She hadn't been ill and was still pretty active. 

When my dad died it was very strange emotionally. My parents had split when I was young and whilst I did still see my dad I don't remember us being close. His death was also sudden and unexpected and I remember exactly where I was when I got the phone call telling me. The emotions I felt took me by surprise, Yes I was sad but it felt very different to when my nan died. I know I loved my dad because he was part of me but I didn't feel the same loss and upset as my nan. That sounds awful but because of the distance that had happened between me and my dad I felt like I didn't know him that well.

When I was working as a school nurse I worked 1:1 with a life limited girl. When I took the job I knew her medical history and prognosis but at the time I didn't realise just how much she would get into my heart. Working so close with her and her family made it so easy to fall in love with this wonderful young girl. She had so many difficulties but always faced each day with a smile, she was truly inspirational. Her death was the first time that I had been deeply effected by a loss. I felt totally lost and alone and didn't know how to deal with her going. You feel a physical pain and you can't see it ever getting better. 

The loss of my mum 6 years ago and then the loss of Charlie 20 months ago have been the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I felt like part of me had been ripped away. I felt helpless and hopeless. Why did the most important people in my life have to go. My mum had been ill most of my life but she was the most stubborn determined lady you could ever meet. She always said her children were her life and we were what kept her going. As we grew up we all became mum's carers and we did this because we loved her and wanted to make sure she had the best care. I still miss my mum and think of her everyday and she effects the way I continue  to live my life. I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my mum.

I feel the same about Charlie. With my mum I can rationalise that at least she had a chance at life, she got to experience life. Charlie never got that chance. That still doesn't seem fair. People have said to me that perhaps it was for the best and that he is in a better place now. How on earth can his death have been for the best. The best thing for Charlie would have been to be in his mummy's arms, learning to crawl and walk, being loved by all his family. I know people mean well when they say these things but if they actually thought about it before saying it they would realise how ridiculous it sounds. 

Grief affects everyone differently and I know that I have been changed forever by the loss of my mum and my gorgeous grandson Charlie. No one is ever the same again but I have learnt how to carry on with life. I will never stop missing them and thinking about them but at least I can now get through each day without crumbling into tears.