I am a bereaved grandparent. I am one of the thousands of grandparents out there trying to keep on with their lives every day whilst never forgetting their grandchild.

The relationship between grandparent and grandchild is a very special one, you are able to be part of their lives without having to deal with the day to day drama's. You are able to spend time with them doing fun activities and you are almost expected to 'spoil' them.

When a grandchild dies the grandparents grieve deeply too. They grieve not just for their grandchild but also they share in the grief with their child. Many grandparents describe the feeling of helplessness, they want to grieve for their grandchild but they also want to support their child as they are going through their grief.

When a parent or a grandparent loses a child they also lose a part of their futures that the child would have made. All will grieve but they will all grieve very differently.

When parents experience the death of their child they will probably grieve very differently to each other, this is also true for the grandparents. Often relationships can become strained and they could come into conflict over how each other is dealing with the death. This doesn't mean that one of them is grieving better than than the other. There is not one right way to grieve and everyone has to find a way that they can cope.

Sometimes just understanding that we all grieve differently can help a grandparent to understand and support their child through this heartbreaking time.

When you read books about grief or google it many sites/books say that there are 5 stages to grieving. 
Whilst I understand there are many feelings that everyone will experience I do not agree that everyone experiences all the same emotions, not everyone will experience the same feelings and they definitely will not experience them at the same time as another member of the family.
Grief isn't rational or orderly and although most people will experience similar emotions and feelings they will never be the same.

Sometimes grandparents may describe it as feeling like they are grieving twice, once for their precious grandchild and then for their child who will not be the same person they were before the death. 

Death can also make you look at your own mortality or start to become anxious that they will lose another grandchild/child. 
I know that I definitely did and still do have periods when I can be troubled by dreams or intrusive thoughts about my other grandchildren dying. I have never really spoken to anyone in detail about this as you feel that people will not understand or will think you are going 'mad'. I think at times I did even wonder if I was going crazy.

The important thing to remember is that what ever you are experiencing it is OK, we all have to find our own ways to cope and no matter what it is it is right for you.

Another important thing is to realise and recognise when you need extra help. It is not 'giving up' by going to your GP and asking for help, it takes a lot of inner strength to be able to take those first steps and you have to do what is best for you. 

There are also other agencies that are out there to support bereaved families, ours being one of them. Sometimes just being able to talk openly about your child/grandchild with someone that you know really does understand how you feel can be like a weight being lifted from your shoulders.

Never feel that you have to go through this alone, there are people out there that are there for you and want to be there for you.

We have found that making memories is so important to any family but to the family that is dealing with a life limiting diagnosis, a miscarriage or a stillbirth memories become even more important.

If a family has been given the devastating news that their baby is unlikely to either survive birth or will pass away shortly after birth they need to make as many memories as is possible in the short time they have. 

Some families choose to have a 4D scan so they are able to see their child's face and get to know them during the short but precious time they have with them. At a 4D scan the family will also be provided with a disc of the scan for them to keep along with a teddy bear containing a recording of their babies heartbeat.

Many families will begin to make a memory box for them to keep all the special things they receive before and after their child's arrival.  

There are now some amazing charities out there that will also come along to take photographs with the family to help them make and record memories during those hours that they have together. These pictures can be so special and important to the family and will bring comfort to them in the years to come. 

We found a kit that enabled us to make an impression of Charlies hands and feet, I saw similar sets that parents could buy that were from making imprint in clay to having them bronzed. 
There are also companies that will take a cast of the mums pregnancy belly and make it into a solid cast for them to treasure forever.

After the loss of a baby or child there are places that allow them the opportunity to have some of their baby's ashes placed into jewellery as a permanent memorial. This is a lovely way for the mum and dad to always have a special part of their baby with them forever.

Because child loss, miscarriage and stillbirth are becoming more easy to talk about with others, and many celebrities have come forward to talk about their experiences, the subject is becoming less taboo and there is beginning to be many more ways for families to make their special memories.

Every family will build their own special memories and in many different ways. 
If you know a family or are part of a family that is currently having to cope with this awful loss maybe spend some time finding ways that you can help or enable them to make memories. This could be by collecting things together for them to have as a keepsake, this could be a candle, a teddy bear, a special poem or a song.

We all go through our lives making memories and often spend time reflecting on them and feeling safe and warm in them.
Bereaved families also need to make as many memories as possible but in a short space of time which can be exhausting and draining. 

Their memories are so important as they will be the only ones they will be able to make with their child.

We would love to hear about the ways you or your family have been able to make memories. Knowing other ways we can pass on to families we support is really helpful.

October 9th - 15th has been Baby Loss Awareness week across the world, culminating with the Wave of Light this evening at 7pm.

We know that not everyone will be able to make it to an event due to many reasons, from work to family commitments, so we ask that where possible you can light a candle for an hour between 7 - 8pm.
If you know someone who has lost their baby or child and are unable to light a candle please try and light an extra one for their angel.

Becoming a bereaved family is something no one ever wants to become but once you are you become part of this 'family' that understands and appreciates the pain people are in. You will not be judged nor criticised for how you grieve and you will always be able to find someone who wants to talk about your angels.

Going along to a memorial event today can be the first step for some families in seeking help and support. Even if you are not a religious family just getting together with other bereaved families can make a big difference. Not all events are held in churches if this is something that could deter you from going, and many events can be found on social media or local newspaper websites.

Charlies-Angel-Centre Foundation are going along to the Candle Lighting for Miscarriages, Stillbirths & Infant loss event to be held at Church of the Epipheny, Beech Lane, Gipton, Leeds. The event starts at 18.45 till 20.00. We will be there to light candles for our own precious angels as well as being available for support for any of the families attending.

There will be thousands of events like this all across the world and at each there will be many many candles lit. If all those lights could be seen together I'm sure all our angels would be able to see them and feel how much they are all missed and loved.


Charlie Arthur Curtis - born at 04.11am on the 29th December 2012 and gained his angel wings 19 minutes later at 04.30 in the arms of his mummy. He was and always will be a very special little boy who was so greatly loved by all of his family and is missed every single day. Charlie and his mummy have inspired so many people to fight for improvements to bereavement support following the death of a baby or child and his legacy will live on for many years to come.

Our candles will shine brightly for you tonight Charlie

We are supporting so many more families each and every week and one of the most frequent things we get asked is Can you get through this feeling of total and utter despair.


What we always tell them is you're entitled to whatever feeling that comes up. You may feel intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow, and fear, all of which are normal for a bereaved parent.
Nothing is off the table, nothing is wrong. If the urge to cry comes up, just do it. Give yourself permission to feel.
Keeping your emotions bottled up is just way too hard. If you keep your emotions inside, you'll only make yourself feel worse about the saddest thing you have ever experienced. It's perfectly natural and even healthy to let yourself feel everything you can about this loss, because this will put you on the path to accepting it.


You won't ever fully be able to get over it, but you'll be able to build the strength to deal with the death of your child. If you don't embrace your feelings, you won't be able to move forward.
There is also no timetable to your grieving process. Every individual is just that: an individual. Bereaved parents may experience many of the same emotions and difficulties; however, each parent's journey is different depending on personality and life circumstances and experiences.


When you go on your computer or read a book about bereavement it always used to give you 5 stages of grief that begin with denial and end with acceptance. We know from experience that this does not happen, yes you will possibly experience a lot of the emotions but many will go through many different feelings. New thinking is that there is no series of steps to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a grab bag of feelings and symptoms that come and go and eventually lift.


Because the grieving process is so personal to each individual, couples sometimes find themselves at odds because they can't understand the other's way of dealing with the loss. Understand that your spouse may have different coping mechanisms than you do and allow him or her to grieve in the way that suits them.


During the grieving process, many people will experience a state of numbness. In this state, the world may seem like a dream or seem to go on separate from them. People and things that once brought happiness evoke nothing at all. This state could pass quickly or linger for a while, it's the body's way of offering protection from overwhelming emotions. With time, feelings and connections will return.


For many, the numbness begins to wear off after the first anniversary of your child's death, and then true reality can hit very hard.


Many parents say that the second year is the most difficult.


Some parents find the thought of returning to work unbearable while others prefer to throw themselves into the daily activity and challenges that work offers. Find out what the bereavement policy is at your workplace before making your decision. Some companies also offer employees paid personal days or the opportunity to take an unpaid leave.


Don't allow fear of letting your company down force you to return to work before you're ready. When someone we love dies, we lose the ability to concentrate or focus, your brain doesn't work right when your heart is broken.


Try to wait at least one year before making any major decisions. Don't sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted, and you can clearly see the options available to you.


Be careful of impulsive decision-making in daily life. Some people adopt a "Life is short" philosophy that pushes them to take unnecessary risks in the living of their lives to the fullest.


If you find comfort in your faith, turn to it now to help in your grief.


Some families we have helped have said that the loss of their child had damaged their religious beliefs, and that's okay.


In time, you may find that you are able to return to your faith.


The phrase "Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time.


Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good ones, but at some point that will begin to change, and you'll come to cherish those memories. They'll bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.


It’s important to know that it's okay to take time off from grieving; to smile, laugh and enjoy life. This does not mean you're forgetting your child that would be impossible.


While your impulse may be to blame yourself for what's happened, resist the urge. There are simply things that happen in life and nature that cannot be controlled. Beating yourself up about what you could have, would have, should have done is counterproductive to healing.


For some parents, all they want to do is to sleep. Others find themselves pacing the floors at night and staring blankly at the TV. The death of a child takes an extreme toll on the body. Science has shown that a loss this big is similar to a major physical injury, so you absolutely need rest. Give in to the urge to sleep if you have it, otherwise, try to establish a night time routine that can help ease you into a good night's sleep.


Sometimes, in the days immediately following your child's death, relatives, and friends may bring you food so that you don't have to cook. Do your best to eat a little each day in order to keep up your strength.


It's difficult to deal with negative emotions and everyday activities when you're physically weak.


Eventually, you will return to making your own meals. Keep it simple. Bake a chicken or make a big pot of soup that can last for a few meals.






Whether or not you're finding it difficult to eat, try to drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Sip on a cup of soothing tea or keep a refillable water bottle with you. Dehydration is physically draining, and your body is already being drained enough.


While it's understandable that you may want to blot out the memory of your child's death, excessive use of alcohol and drugs can aggravate depression and create a whole new set of problems to deal with.


Some parents find that a sleep aid is a necessity, and that anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication helps them better cope. There are many varieties of these medications, and finding the right one that works best can be a daunting task, and one best undertaken with the help of your doctor. Work with your doctor to find what works for you and to make a plan for how long you'll be on medication.


It's not uncommon for friends to pull away during this grieving period. Some people simply do not know what to say, and those that are parents may feel uncomfortable with the reminder that the loss of a child is possible. If friends urge you to get over your grief you may want to distance yourself from them for a while whilst you deal with your grief.


Knowing that you're not alone in your grief and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting. Bereavement support groups for parents are available in many communities. These groups offer a number of benefits including the chance to tell your story in a supportive, non-judgemental environment, a decreased feeling of isolation and people who validate and normalise each other's emotional reactions. We have been running a support group for the past 2 years and families have said to us that they have found them really useful.


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, a time to honour and remember babies who died during pregnancy or as newborns. Each of us will find our own way of honouring our angels, whether it is lighting a candle or releasing a balloon.





This month is a time when we could all reach out and support other families that we can see are struggling or someone who just needs a friend to talk to.

The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it can also permanently alter a couple’s marriage/relationship. 

As individuals you have to deal with the confusing, and painful emotions. You also have to deal with the pain and totally overwhelming feelings that come with the death of a child. As a couple you then must deal with how each of you has been affected.

Initially it might feel like you have become strangers to each other. You are both trying to process what has happened and how to keep going day to day. Then it can feel like your relationship cannot be the same as it was before.

What you need to remember is it is the marriage/relationship of two people who have shared a very tragic loss. You are two people who have seen each other grieving, two people who are going through the hardest relationship struggle that couples can experience.

You will become new people, a new couple who have no idea if you can or should return to being your old selves. You are beginners at dealing with this kind of grief, and beginners at coming to terms, as a couple, with whatever is going on in your life as individuals and as a couple. Grief is likely to drain you for weeks, months, or even years and you may feel that you are in some kind of limbo, just trying to do the minimum to get along.

Your child’s death makes you feel different from most people you know. Although there are so many families that have lost a child, you may not know anyone. Often others are reluctant to come and comfort you as they are unsure what to say or do to help. Most will never have had a similar experience and may not feel comfortable approaching you.

Added to all this, grieving can make your relationship difficult. Feeling down so much, being needy and looking at everything in new ways after a child dies, it is easy for you and your spouse to see many negatives in each other. It may highlight negatives in each other and in your relationship that may have been ignored or were not present in the past. So in addition to dealing with the loss of a child, you may have to deal with how to change your relationship, or even with the possible loss of it.

If you can work together and grieve together, you may have success at reducing the arguing, blaming, and hurt feelings. You may have success dealing with communication difficulties, disappointments, and other issues that can undermine your relationship. And you may be able to offer support, help, and understanding for each other.

Parenting together is a shared journey, and dealing with a child’s death is as well. In bereavement, the journey will be hard, but it does not have to end in disaster.

After a child’s death, most couples worry that it will be very hard to stay together. Even if they do, they often worry about whether it will change everything.

I think bereaved couples have the same reasons most couples have for staying together—their history together, the emotional investments their relationship represents, the ways they depend on each other, and feelings of affection. But I also believe many bereaved parents are motivated by an additional factor. Their commitment is rooted in a sense that no one else knew the child as well or could understand as much what was lost when their child died.

You will also find that you and your partner will not grieve the same way. You are both very different in personality, upbringing, current responsibilities, the relationship you had with the child, and life experiences. Even if those things didn’t guarantee that you and your partner will mourn in your own way, women and men differ in numerous ways that will show up in how you deal with your child’s death.

In some couples, one partner believes how and when the other grieves is wrong, or one partner’s grief make the other feel uncomfortable. If over a long period, you let such differences upset you or if your differences lead to conflict, they can be a wedge that pushes the two of you far apart.

Everyone has different paces through grieving. 

One of you might have stronger feelings or a certain feeling soon after the loss, while the other might feel those things later. Whichever happens to you is the right way for you to grieve.

You might both move quickly into talking, reading, thinking, and feeling to deal with the death. However sometimes one of you might feel ready to talk while the other might not. Again, accepting the difference is so important.

One of you may try to be “strong” while the other is grieving intensely. Strong might mean doing necessary things around the house instead of focusing on grief or feeling that there was no point in doing things. Strong might mean not being swamped emotionally, or it might mean acting like things will be better. Lots of men feel the need to be strong for their partner, holding off their grief in order to be strong and supportive

Differences in outward emotions can lead to resentment in some couples. When one feels down and the other seems okay, each may resent the other. One might think, “How can you be so upbeat when our child is dead?” The other might think, “When you are down like this you drag me down as well”. They may also think “I am worried about you.” But these differences are to be expected and accepted.

There can also be misunderstanding on both sides. 

The partner who controls emotions less can resent the other for seeming not to care about the child. The partner who controls emotions more may not understand how much the one who is more emotional must be that way. In some couples there seems to be turn-taking in emotional control. When one partner is deep in grief, the other controls his or her emotions enough to do the everyday things. 

The main point is that you should expect and tolerate differences between you and your partner. Doing so is not likely to make the grieving process any easier. However, it should help you and your partner to maintain a stronger relationship as you deal with the death of your child.

Some couples have no serious problems after their child’s death. But other couples, even years later, struggle to build back their relationship. For some, serious difficulties never arise in dealing with their child’s death. But for others, there are real struggles.

People learn and change. 

You can find things in yourselves that can change you and your relationship. Together you can get your relationship back on track.