The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it can also permanently alter a couple’s marriage/relationship. 

As individuals you have to deal with the confusing, and painful emotions. You also have to deal with the pain and totally overwhelming feelings that come with the death of a child. As a couple you then must deal with how each of you has been affected.

Initially it might feel like you have become strangers to each other. You are both trying to process what has happened and how to keep going day to day. Then it can feel like your relationship cannot be the same as it was before.

What you need to remember is it is the marriage/relationship of two people who have shared a very tragic loss. You are two people who have seen each other grieving, two people who are going through the hardest relationship struggle that couples can experience.

You will become new people, a new couple who have no idea if you can or should return to being your old selves. You are beginners at dealing with this kind of grief, and beginners at coming to terms, as a couple, with whatever is going on in your life as individuals and as a couple. Grief is likely to drain you for weeks, months, or even years and you may feel that you are in some kind of limbo, just trying to do the minimum to get along.

Your child’s death makes you feel different from most people you know. Although there are so many families that have lost a child, you may not know anyone. Often others are reluctant to come and comfort you as they are unsure what to say or do to help. Most will never have had a similar experience and may not feel comfortable approaching you.

Added to all this, grieving can make your relationship difficult. Feeling down so much, being needy and looking at everything in new ways after a child dies, it is easy for you and your spouse to see many negatives in each other. It may highlight negatives in each other and in your relationship that may have been ignored or were not present in the past. So in addition to dealing with the loss of a child, you may have to deal with how to change your relationship, or even with the possible loss of it.

If you can work together and grieve together, you may have success at reducing the arguing, blaming, and hurt feelings. You may have success dealing with communication difficulties, disappointments, and other issues that can undermine your relationship. And you may be able to offer support, help, and understanding for each other.

Parenting together is a shared journey, and dealing with a child’s death is as well. In bereavement, the journey will be hard, but it does not have to end in disaster.

After a child’s death, most couples worry that it will be very hard to stay together. Even if they do, they often worry about whether it will change everything.

I think bereaved couples have the same reasons most couples have for staying together—their history together, the emotional investments their relationship represents, the ways they depend on each other, and feelings of affection. But I also believe many bereaved parents are motivated by an additional factor. Their commitment is rooted in a sense that no one else knew the child as well or could understand as much what was lost when their child died.

You will also find that you and your partner will not grieve the same way. You are both very different in personality, upbringing, current responsibilities, the relationship you had with the child, and life experiences. Even if those things didn’t guarantee that you and your partner will mourn in your own way, women and men differ in numerous ways that will show up in how you deal with your child’s death.

In some couples, one partner believes how and when the other grieves is wrong, or one partner’s grief make the other feel uncomfortable. If over a long period, you let such differences upset you or if your differences lead to conflict, they can be a wedge that pushes the two of you far apart.

Everyone has different paces through grieving. 

One of you might have stronger feelings or a certain feeling soon after the loss, while the other might feel those things later. Whichever happens to you is the right way for you to grieve.

You might both move quickly into talking, reading, thinking, and feeling to deal with the death. However sometimes one of you might feel ready to talk while the other might not. Again, accepting the difference is so important.

One of you may try to be “strong” while the other is grieving intensely. Strong might mean doing necessary things around the house instead of focusing on grief or feeling that there was no point in doing things. Strong might mean not being swamped emotionally, or it might mean acting like things will be better. Lots of men feel the need to be strong for their partner, holding off their grief in order to be strong and supportive

Differences in outward emotions can lead to resentment in some couples. When one feels down and the other seems okay, each may resent the other. One might think, “How can you be so upbeat when our child is dead?” The other might think, “When you are down like this you drag me down as well”. They may also think “I am worried about you.” But these differences are to be expected and accepted.

There can also be misunderstanding on both sides. 

The partner who controls emotions less can resent the other for seeming not to care about the child. The partner who controls emotions more may not understand how much the one who is more emotional must be that way. In some couples there seems to be turn-taking in emotional control. When one partner is deep in grief, the other controls his or her emotions enough to do the everyday things. 

The main point is that you should expect and tolerate differences between you and your partner. Doing so is not likely to make the grieving process any easier. However, it should help you and your partner to maintain a stronger relationship as you deal with the death of your child.

Some couples have no serious problems after their child’s death. But other couples, even years later, struggle to build back their relationship. For some, serious difficulties never arise in dealing with their child’s death. But for others, there are real struggles.

People learn and change. 

You can find things in yourselves that can change you and your relationship. Together you can get your relationship back on track.