We are supporting so many more families each and every week and one of the most frequent things we get asked is Can you get through this feeling of total and utter despair.


What we always tell them is you're entitled to whatever feeling that comes up. You may feel intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow, and fear, all of which are normal for a bereaved parent.
Nothing is off the table, nothing is wrong. If the urge to cry comes up, just do it. Give yourself permission to feel.
Keeping your emotions bottled up is just way too hard. If you keep your emotions inside, you'll only make yourself feel worse about the saddest thing you have ever experienced. It's perfectly natural and even healthy to let yourself feel everything you can about this loss, because this will put you on the path to accepting it.


You won't ever fully be able to get over it, but you'll be able to build the strength to deal with the death of your child. If you don't embrace your feelings, you won't be able to move forward.
There is also no timetable to your grieving process. Every individual is just that: an individual. Bereaved parents may experience many of the same emotions and difficulties; however, each parent's journey is different depending on personality and life circumstances and experiences.


When you go on your computer or read a book about bereavement it always used to give you 5 stages of grief that begin with denial and end with acceptance. We know from experience that this does not happen, yes you will possibly experience a lot of the emotions but many will go through many different feelings. New thinking is that there is no series of steps to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a grab bag of feelings and symptoms that come and go and eventually lift.


Because the grieving process is so personal to each individual, couples sometimes find themselves at odds because they can't understand the other's way of dealing with the loss. Understand that your spouse may have different coping mechanisms than you do and allow him or her to grieve in the way that suits them.


During the grieving process, many people will experience a state of numbness. In this state, the world may seem like a dream or seem to go on separate from them. People and things that once brought happiness evoke nothing at all. This state could pass quickly or linger for a while, it's the body's way of offering protection from overwhelming emotions. With time, feelings and connections will return.


For many, the numbness begins to wear off after the first anniversary of your child's death, and then true reality can hit very hard.


Many parents say that the second year is the most difficult.


Some parents find the thought of returning to work unbearable while others prefer to throw themselves into the daily activity and challenges that work offers. Find out what the bereavement policy is at your workplace before making your decision. Some companies also offer employees paid personal days or the opportunity to take an unpaid leave.


Don't allow fear of letting your company down force you to return to work before you're ready. When someone we love dies, we lose the ability to concentrate or focus, your brain doesn't work right when your heart is broken.


Try to wait at least one year before making any major decisions. Don't sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted, and you can clearly see the options available to you.


Be careful of impulsive decision-making in daily life. Some people adopt a "Life is short" philosophy that pushes them to take unnecessary risks in the living of their lives to the fullest.


If you find comfort in your faith, turn to it now to help in your grief.


Some families we have helped have said that the loss of their child had damaged their religious beliefs, and that's okay.


In time, you may find that you are able to return to your faith.


The phrase "Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time.


Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good ones, but at some point that will begin to change, and you'll come to cherish those memories. They'll bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.


It’s important to know that it's okay to take time off from grieving; to smile, laugh and enjoy life. This does not mean you're forgetting your child that would be impossible.


While your impulse may be to blame yourself for what's happened, resist the urge. There are simply things that happen in life and nature that cannot be controlled. Beating yourself up about what you could have, would have, should have done is counterproductive to healing.


For some parents, all they want to do is to sleep. Others find themselves pacing the floors at night and staring blankly at the TV. The death of a child takes an extreme toll on the body. Science has shown that a loss this big is similar to a major physical injury, so you absolutely need rest. Give in to the urge to sleep if you have it, otherwise, try to establish a night time routine that can help ease you into a good night's sleep.


Sometimes, in the days immediately following your child's death, relatives, and friends may bring you food so that you don't have to cook. Do your best to eat a little each day in order to keep up your strength.


It's difficult to deal with negative emotions and everyday activities when you're physically weak.


Eventually, you will return to making your own meals. Keep it simple. Bake a chicken or make a big pot of soup that can last for a few meals.






Whether or not you're finding it difficult to eat, try to drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Sip on a cup of soothing tea or keep a refillable water bottle with you. Dehydration is physically draining, and your body is already being drained enough.


While it's understandable that you may want to blot out the memory of your child's death, excessive use of alcohol and drugs can aggravate depression and create a whole new set of problems to deal with.


Some parents find that a sleep aid is a necessity, and that anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication helps them better cope. There are many varieties of these medications, and finding the right one that works best can be a daunting task, and one best undertaken with the help of your doctor. Work with your doctor to find what works for you and to make a plan for how long you'll be on medication.


It's not uncommon for friends to pull away during this grieving period. Some people simply do not know what to say, and those that are parents may feel uncomfortable with the reminder that the loss of a child is possible. If friends urge you to get over your grief you may want to distance yourself from them for a while whilst you deal with your grief.


Knowing that you're not alone in your grief and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting. Bereavement support groups for parents are available in many communities. These groups offer a number of benefits including the chance to tell your story in a supportive, non-judgemental environment, a decreased feeling of isolation and people who validate and normalise each other's emotional reactions. We have been running a support group for the past 2 years and families have said to us that they have found them really useful.


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, a time to honour and remember babies who died during pregnancy or as newborns. Each of us will find our own way of honouring our angels, whether it is lighting a candle or releasing a balloon.





This month is a time when we could all reach out and support other families that we can see are struggling or someone who just needs a friend to talk to.