Cumulative Grief

"Cumulative grief is the term used to describe people that have experienced loss after loss." Many of the families we work with have experienced more than one loss of a baby or child.

As helpful as it would be to pretend that every time we suffer a loss we have time to process that loss and include it into our lives before we suffer another loss, we know that that is simply not the case. It is all too common that a death is followed by another death. Pain is piled on pain; fear on fear. 

This experience of suffering a second loss before one has grieved the initial loss is sometimes known as “cumulative grief”, “bereavement overload” or “grief overload”.

When another loss happens, how can you possibly know if you have “grieved the initial loss”? 

This is a tough question because grief is so individual for all of us. There is no checklist or timeline that works for everyone. But one thing that is common to the many different grief theories out there and to the personal experiences of so many grievers is that grief requires time. We need time to understand and process each loss. If we don’t have the time we need before another loss occurs we end up overwhelmed by these losses and unable to give them the attention they need.

When we become overwhelmed by anything our mind kicks into an incredibly powerful defense mechanism, which is avoidance. People try to use avoidance when experiencing just one loss, so it is not surprising that this grows when there are more losses. Though avoidance, denial, and shock may seem like a really bad thing (and it can be if it is never resolved), it can be our body’s way of keeping us functioning in the short term. When we are overloaded with multiple losses, this avoidance allows us to maintain our day to day activities. What becomes important when multiple losses have occurred is an awareness that we may need to make a real effort to begin the work of facing the reality of the loss, as this avoidance can’t continue indefinitely.

Unfortunately, there is no magic answer for how to cope with cumulative grief. But if you have suffered multiple losses there are some important things to remember.

 Be aware of the risk of cumulative loss/grief overload. 

Knowing is half the battle!

Just being aware that multiple losses in a short period of time can bring up unique challenges and can put you at risk for a grief process that is complicated is important. Cumulative losses do put us at higher risk for prolonged grief. 

Be sensitive to other friends or family members who have suffered multiple losses and are at risk for cumulative grief. 

When we lose someone we become absorbed in our own way of grieving. We can find it difficult to deal with people who are grieving differently. Being sensitive to the differences between all grievers is important. This sensitivity can be especially important when someone is facing the unique challenges of cumulative grief.

Be aware of the increased possibility of avoidance or denial in instances of cumulative grief. 

To make it through, one day at a time, you may find yourself more likely to use avoidance more than you have ever done in the past. This can also increase your risk of alcohol or drug use. These are often used to numb the pain and blot out reality. Being aware that you must grieve all of the losses. 

Keep in mind that time is not the only factor in cumulative grief. 

Though it may be tempting to assume that bereavement overload only occurs when deaths occur in immediate succession, this is not the case. A loss that was never fully been grieved years before can be brought back up by a new loss and can be overwhelming.

Grief is as unique as each person we lose, so we cannot rush grieving multiple losses. 

Though it can be tempting to think that grief is grief, and we can lump our grief together if we have multiple losses in a short period, the reality is that we must grieve ever loss individually. Grief is not generic to any loss but is specific to each person we lose, our relationship with that person, and the circumstances of that loss. Time must be spent on each loss in order to process them in our lives.

Cumulative grief can put a greater strain on our faith.

One devastating loss can be difficult enough and can cause us to question our faith in a higher power. When someone suffers multiple losses, this feeling can increase. People can begin to feel they are being punished and have a harder time resolving a God with all the pain they have seen and felt, or struggle with repeatedly experiencing ‘bad things happening to good people’. This is certainly not true in every case of grief overload. Many will continue to find strength in their faith but it is important to know it is normal if your faith shakes as a result of grief overload.

If you have had multiple losses it is important that you do seek help and support. You may be surprised by how much it can help you and your family. When you are already emotionally and physically exhausted from the pain of one loss, it can help to seek support when more losses happen. If counselling doesn’t feel right for you maybe consider other ways which you can grieve for each of your losses. Find a friend or family member to talk to. Write or journal. Find a creative outlet, like art or photography. Join a support group. Just make it something that works for you and that will allow you the opportunity to deal with each of these losses.