Family Fun Day

Today we held our 3rd Family Fun Day for the charity. 

This year we teamed up with our friend Mark, who raises funds for Parkinsons UK. 

Along with our usual stalls we decided that this year we would have a car boot sale as well. 
We were very fortunate to be able to use the grounds at Leeds Corinthians RUFC, which meant that we had the use of a very large field.

We had many varied stall holders turn up selling their goods and donating to the charities by paying for their ground pitch.

We had lots of support from other groups who came along and gave their time for free. We can never say thank you enough to all of these people.

During the day we ran a few stalls ourselves. One of our regular money taking stalls is the Tombola stall and it didn't let us down again today.
I always enjoy having a go on the tombola stall when I go to fayre's so we know it is always a good people puller.

Our other tried and tested was the inflatable slide and bouncy castle. 
We had a few issues with the electricity throughout the day and in the end had to settle with just using the slide. 
We were still able to raise a great amount of funds from it and there were many happy little faces coming off the slide. 

Once again Charlies cousins came along to help at the event and they decided this time to have their own stall to get rid of some of their old toys. 
They also helped with other things throughout the day and even helped with the litter picking at the end. 
They make us feel very proud of them and we know Charlie would be very proud of them as well.

The total amount raised during the day was £428 which means an amazing amount of £214 for each charity.

We cant say thank you enough to everyone who came along and supported both of the charities and made the day a great success.

Throughout the last 3 years we have been very lucky to be supported by many local businesses. 

Some have helped by donating a product or a service eg. free loan of a motor home for our charity sponsored walkers on their coast to coast.

Other companies have helped us by allowing us to fund raise on their premises.

One of those companies is Asda.

Asda has helped us at a couple of their local stores. 

We have been allowed to have 2 bucket shaking days at Asda Living at Crown Point shopping centre in Leeds. Both of the days were very successful and helped us raise much needed funds.

We have also been lucky enough to be one the Green Token Scheme charities that have gone up against other local charities and good causes. 
We won the green token scheme at both Asda Middleton & Asda Living and received cheques from both.

The Green Token Scheme has recently been revamped and we have again been put forward as a good cause charity for Asda Middleton store. 
When we last went to the shop we definitely had the most tokens in our pot so we think we may be in with a good chance of winning again.

Yesterday we had our most recent event at Asda Middleton. 
We held a Bag Packing Day, where 9 of our charity supporters went along to pack shoppers bags for a donation.
The shoppers at Asda Middleton were wonderful and gave us lots of support. 
Some shoppers even gave us a donation but didn't want us to pack for them. 
The generosity of people still amazes us.

Two of Charlies cousins, Rhiann(10) and Amy(8), also came along to give their support.
They were amazing throughout the event and contributed greatly to the day.

Rhiann stayed for the whole 5 hours that we were there and packed many shoppers bags. 
There were even shoppers who asked for her to pack their bags. 
I think the fact that she is very cute with a beautiful smile helped her to get lots of people to get behind her and donate lots of money.

Once we had finished the event we got all 3 of Charlies cousins to help us count all the money donated. They loved every minute of it and couldn't believe how much money people had given.

Our grand total for the day was £327.45.

We would like to say a huge thank you to all the shoppers at Asda Middleton for supporting us and being so generous with their donations.

We would also like to say another massive Thank You to all the staff at Asda for allowing us to continue to fund raise within their store. Your help and support means so much to us and the bereaved families who will benefit from the money raised.

When we started our charity I don't think any of us actually realised how big it would become, and how quickly it could happen. 2016 is certainly turning out to be THE year for Charlies Angel Centre.

Whilst we will always have our focus on this we will also continue with our Charlie Bear site, supporting children who have been affected by a death.

We know from our own personal experience how difficult it can be for children to cope with a death.

Adults sometimes try to protect children from pain by not telling them what has happened. 

We on the other hand were open with Charlies young cousins about what had happened. 

Experts are now saying that children can benefit from knowing the truth at an early stage. The closer the relationship, the more important it is to be open and honest.

Adults can also help children to cope by listening to the child's experience of death and answering their questions, reassuring them. 

Children often worry that they will be abandoned by loved ones as they deal with their own grief.

If they can talk about the event and express themselves they can often cope better and are less likely to have emotional disturbances later on in their lives.

When a child is only young when they experience a death they can become upset that they are not able to remember what the person looked like so having a photograph of them can be a great source of comfort.

Children often find it helpful to be included in family activities, such as attending the funeral, although a great deal of thought needs to be given as to how to support them and prepare them for this. If a child is frightened to attend a funeral they should not be forced to attend as this could make their experience more traumatic.

You can always find other ways for the child to be able to say their goodbye's, lighting a candle or releasing a balloon, which will leave much more happy memories for them.

Once a child has accepted the death they are likely to display their feelings of sadness, anger and anxiety on and off over a long period of time and often at unexpected moments.

As long as the child is given lots of support and understanding that it is ok for them to show their feelings about the death without worrying about upsetting others then they can feel safe in their grief.

We found that Charlies cousins benefited from having a teddy bear that they named Charlie Bear. 

They would talk to him and take him out with them when they went to the park or on holidays. It really helped them being able to tell the bear how they were feeling.

Watching them gave us the idea that other children would benefit from having their own teddy bear to talk to. This is how Charlie Bears Adventures evolved. 

We now send out free Charlie Bear packs to children who have experienced a death, to give them comfort and support. They also receive a certificate of adoption, colouring pages and lots of other things. 

There is also Charlie Bears website that they can go to which is packed with things to see and do. www.charliebearsadventures.co.uk

If you know a child that could really benefit from getting one of our packs please get in touch.

 

 

Through our work we deal with bereaved parents and their families on a daily basis.
Most of those that contact us just need someone to talk to, too off load all the emotions they are keeping locked up inside.
Sometimes they find it easier to confide in us as they do not want to upset their partner or families.

We too have felt and continue to feel the emotions that these families are dealing with and we hope that because of our experiences we are able to offer them some support and friendship. 

When a baby dies, most grieving parents struggle with feelings of guilt. At times the guilt can feel like a flood that threatens to sweep you under.

This is particularly true if your baby died during pregnancy or shortly after birth.

 As a mother you may wonder how you could be so helpless to prevent your baby’s death, even as you carried your little one in your womb.
If the cause of death cannot be determined, you may fill in the blank with your imagination and hold yourself accountable.
 And even knowing rationally that you were not responsible for your baby’s fatal condition, it is normal to feel as though you somehow contributed to it.
You may wonder how you might’ve behaved differently to somehow prevent this tragedy. You may even question the possibility that the most inconsequential acts might have led to your baby’s death.

Guilt arises from the normal sense of responsibility parents feel for their children, and the belief that we have control over what happens to us and our loved ones.

 It is a result of the expectation that if you do all the right things, you’ll have healthy babies and your children will live long lives. 

It comes from the idea that your job is to protect your baby from harm, and if you don’t, you are effectively a bad parent. Some parents suspect this is payback for youthful indiscretions or “bad karma.” 

In reality, none of us have complete control over our bodies, or our children’s destinies. 

If you’re struggling with guilt, try considering the following:

• Guilt is a normal part of grief.
• Guilt is a natural result of being a responsible, devoted parent.
• You need not believe every self-accusation that goes through your head.
• What happened was beyond your control and never your intention.
• You are not powerful enough to influence your baby’s fate with thoughts or feelings.
• You are not powerful enough to invite death with minor, inconsequential actions.
• You are not powerful enough to stop death.
• Your feelings of responsibility will fade as you move through your grief and adjust to your baby’s death.
• Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Still, some parents will blame themselves.

If your baby's prognosis was poor or uncertain, you may have made life-and-death decisions and feel especially responsible for the outcome.

 If you faced agonising decisions, it may help you to remember that you were in the impossible position of having to choose between terrible and horrible. Whatever your decisions, they were right for your particular circumstances and the information at hand. Most importantly, they were right for your baby, and arose out of your love for your little one and the desire to ease suffering.

Guilt can also accompany any regrets you may have about the time you spent with your little one after birth.
Many parents wish they had been able to spend more time or done certain nurturing acts, but of course, when you’re in the midst of crisis and trauma, it’s so hard to know what will be meaningful to look back on.
In fact, you did the best you could at the time, in that situation, in your emotional and physical condition, and with the amount of information and support available to you.

Forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now.

Guilt is also a way to hold onto the illusion that you have control over the uncontrollable.
It’s a way to try to make sense of the senseless.
Guilt can feel better than realising that we have very little control, and the resulting feelings of worry and vulnerability.

But in time, the torrent of grief and guilt gives way to smoother waters.

You will regain confidence in your ability to control what you can, and be able to cope with the uncertainties that life presents.

 And in time, you’ll look back and realise that having survived this, you can survive anything.

Last week saw us hold our first Management Meeting. 

This felt like another huge step forward for the charity and made us feel very professional. 

We invited all the trustees of the charity along with the Patrons, Counsellors, Bereavement Liaison Team, Bereavement Midwife and Committee members.

The meeting was reasonably well attended seeing as it was our first and we had some very productive conversations. It was really good to get other peoples ideas and thoughts on how we should continue to move forward.

We have been left with some exciting plans for our future and lots of work for us all to do to try and continue our growth and success.

When you start out as a charity you think it is going to be a straightforward thing, boy were we mistaken. 

We think we have done really well to get to where we are now considering none of us have any background experience in any aspects of running a charity. 
I guess that the skills we have developed over the years as parents, workers and general life skills have all helped us to cope with the stress and difficulties we have encountered.

Over the last 3 years we have all found the things that we are good at within the charity and have slipped into those roles. It is great to have a mixture of skills and experiences as it benefits the charity in many ways. 

At the meeting, with all the other disciplines there, it felt like we can offer such a diverse range of skills and experiences which can only make the charity even stronger. 

The counsellors that we now have on board, offering free sessions to our clients, are absolutely amazing. They give their precious time and have taken on several families alongside their normal workload. This commitment from them still amazes us all and we can't thank them enough. They are very special people.

Through the Bereavement Midwife we have now been getting more and more referrals, this shows us that we are now being seen as a major agency for bereavement support. 
The families we have been put in contact with are now getting the support and help they need to help them cope with the loss of their baby or child.

Everything seems to have progressed so quickly for us and we feel like it is just going to get bigger and better. This excites us but also scares us. We know that what we are fighting for is so important and we will never give up.

Charlie Arthur Curtis will always be a huge part of our lives and he will be our motivation to keep going. 
But now others are also being touched by his courage and fight and they will get the support they need because of him. 

What an amazing legacy to leave behind. What an amazing little boy.

Due to unforeseen circumstances we have had to cancel our fundraiser that was to be held on the 15th July at The Yorkshire Rose in Guiseley.

We will be rearranging the 24 hour darts and pool tournament for another time but we have already managed to rearrange the Family Fun Day.

Our Fun Day, which we are hosting in collaboration with a good friend Mark Wilson, will now be held on the 31st July at Leeds Corinthians RUFC, Middleton, Leeds. LS10 4AX. There will also be a car boot running alongside the funday.

The event is going to be raising funds for both our charity and Mark's choice of Parkinson's UK. 

Mark has held several successful fundraising events and we are hoping that with both charities organising things it will become a super event.

We have already managed to secure lots of fun activities for the day and will be having our usual stalls. We are always looking for donations to help us out with our stalls especially the Tombola.

We will be joined throughout the afternoon by Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse and a Minion. The West Yorkshire Police will also be attending with one of their cars.

There will be a bouncy castle, Face Painting and an Ice Cream Van.

We think it is going to be a fantastic day and would love to see as many of you there as possible.

An Open Letter from Charlie's Mamma

Only a parent understands the powerful bond you have with your child; that absolute undying love you have and that monumental desire that roars like an open fire inside you to protect that child at all costs. It is openly said that a parent will lay down their life for their child, but it is not until you have your own that you truly understand these fierce emotions. Parenting is wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Whatever you imagine it might be like to have your child die, multiply that by about a trillion and you're probably not even close, the soul destroying agony of your child dying is only truly known and understood by those who have endured it.

On the surface it appears society is accepting of this unbearable sadness and people are supportive and open to talking about it. However, I've been surprised by people’s genuine kindness and empathy as much as I’ve been repeatedly shocked & disappointed by their lack of it. It’s necessary for bereaved parents to be able to talk and most of all, be able to talk openly, I've found it’s the only thing which dispels the trauma.

Sure, friends and family have been supportive, but it’s proven to be the case that there is a mandate as for how long their unwavering support, patience, understanding, concern and empathy lasts. The truth is, the situation is so unbearably sad that it becomes incredibly emotionally draining on the other person.
The realisation that they can't fix your sadness sets in, the frustration builds because not even they can see an end in sight, then gradually it starts to impede on the happiness in their life. They haven't lost their child so why should they spend all their time sad about yours?
I will, for the sake of all the other parents out there with empty arms, write ten things I wish people knew about the loss of a child. Maybe one of my ten points might make a difference to a bereaved parent’s life.

1. 12 years on from losing my son and 3 and half years on from losing my grandson I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day they died. The only difference is I’m more skilled at hiding it and I’m much more used to the agony of my broken heart. The shock has somewhat lessened, but I do still find myself thinking I can’t believe this happened. I thought that only happened to other people. You asked how I was in the beginning yet you stopped, why? Where did you get the information on what week or month was good to stop asking?

2. Please don’t tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again. Nobody wants that more than I do, but it’s something that can only be achieved with time. On top of that, I have to find a new happiness. The happiness I once felt, that carefree feeling will never return in its entirety. It also helps to have the patience and understanding from loved ones.

3. Please don’t say ‘I want the old Sam back!’ Or, I can see the old Sam coming back! Sam’s not coming back. This is who I am now. If you only knew the horror I witnessed and endured you would know it’s not humanly possible for me to ever be the same person again. Losing a child changes who you are, My views on the world have changed, things that were once important are not now and vice versa. I feel as though you're telling me two things here. Firstly you don't like the person I am and, secondly if the old Sam’s not coming back I'm out of here. By the way there is nobody that misses the “old Sam” more than me!!! I'm mourning three deaths here; my son’s my grandsons and my former self.

4.If you chose to acknowledge my son’s and grandsons birthday or the anniversary of their deaths on the first year, it’s terribly gut wrenching when you didn’t bother to acknowledge the second, third,fourth and so on. Do you think any subsequent birthday or anniversary is not as sad for me? It also says to me in very big neon lights that you've moved on and forgotten about my son and grandson.

5. Please stop with the continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children or grandchildren Do I say this to you? Then why say it to me? I’ve buried my son and grandson do you seriously think I feel lucky?

6. it’s not healthy to cry in front of my other children or grandchildren? You’re wrong. It is perfectly healthy that they see I’m sad their brother and cousin has died. When someone dies it’s normal to cry. What would not be normal would be for my children and other grandchildren to think “I never even saw my Mum or my mamma sad over Tyler’s and Charlie’s death.” That would paint me in a light that would tell them it’s healthy to hide your emotions when obviously it’s not.

7. I have five children I don’t have four and i have four grandchildren not three If you want to ignore Tyler as my fifth child and Charlie as my forth grandchild go for it but don’t do it for me.

8. There are still some days, that I still want to hide away from the world and take a break from pretending everything is oh so wonderful and I’m all better. Please don’t just assume I’ve thrown in the towel, or worse, actually be so thoughtless as to wonder what’s wrong with me. I’m grieving. It’s mentally exhausting It would be nice if you congratulated me on the state of my family because keeping it together, stable and happy, is hard work.

9. I did notice. To the friends and family that found the entire death and dealing with my sadness all too hard and held secret events behind our backs that were lied about, stopped inviting us to things we had always been included in and slowly ended our relationship thinking I didn't notice.
I did notice. The only reason why I never said anything is because I’m not wasting my words on your shameful behaviour. I am thankful for something though – I didn't waste any more time on people that were capable of such shallowness and cruelty. Please don’t fear. I would be the first one by your side if the same thing happened to you. That should give you some indication of how horrible it is.

10. Grieving for a child and grandchild lasts until you see them again. It’s a lifetime. If you’re wondering how long your friend or family member might be grieving for, the answer is forever. Don’t rush them, don’t trivialise their sadness, don’t make them feel guilty for being sad and when they talk to you, open your ears and listen, really listen to what they’re telling you. It’s possible you’ll learn something. Don’t be so cruel as to give up on them remember it’s not about you it’s about them.

I’ve been left repeatedly heartbroken as friends that I truly loved and never thought would walk away from me tossed me into the too hard basket or – more hurtfully – the crazy basket. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped, comments on Facebook stopped and I get the same thing every time. “Sorry darling I’m just flat out”, “Let’s catch up soon” and “I miss you.” The list could keep going but I get it. I’m not the type of person either that is going to pursue a friendship I know the other person doesn’t want. Everyone has a conscience and thankfully I don’t have to live with theirs.
You would think there are a lot of articles that raise awareness of the awful process associated with grieving for a child, The sad reality is there just isn't enough said or printed. You seldom hear through the media about grieving for a child and the impact their death has on all the various people involved.
It can destroy a marriage instantly; it can leave siblings hurt, confused and angry. Often siblings are too young to understand, they're angry that their family is not the same and even angrier that they don't recognise their parents. Losing their sibling is bad enough but so much more is lost for these siblings that are never recognised.

You might hear about the gory details surrounding a child’s death in the media but that’s about all. There should be so much more written about this topic, and additionally it should be talked about more openly than it is. I’m disappointed not just for me but for all the other grieving parents in society that this topic is met with so much fear and silence.

The bottom line is people are uncomfortable with the situation and I really don’t know why. My feelings tell me it is such an horrific thing that most people don’t want to know about it. Maybe they fear through knowing so much they might become obsessed with their own children dying. Parents worry enough about their children already. Do they really need the added worry about knowing how your child died?
I’m not sure if it’s a lack of literature around or perhaps that people simply don’t want to read it because it’s so awful and they don’t want to know someone they love and care about it experiencing so much agony. I personally know though, if I found out a family member or friend had been diagnosed with an illness or disease, or worse, their child, I would be on Google immediately finding out more about it and how I could help them the best. So why is it that this doesn't seem to apply with the death of a child?

I hope if you are reading this it gives you an insight about my personal thoughts and helps at least one person understand to some degree what life is like for the bereaved parent, and if you are a bereaved parent than knowing you are not alone