Through our work we deal with bereaved parents and their families on a daily basis.
Most of those that contact us just need someone to talk to, too off load all the emotions they are keeping locked up inside.
Sometimes they find it easier to confide in us as they do not want to upset their partner or families.

We too have felt and continue to feel the emotions that these families are dealing with and we hope that because of our experiences we are able to offer them some support and friendship. 

When a baby dies, most grieving parents struggle with feelings of guilt. At times the guilt can feel like a flood that threatens to sweep you under.

This is particularly true if your baby died during pregnancy or shortly after birth.

 As a mother you may wonder how you could be so helpless to prevent your baby’s death, even as you carried your little one in your womb.
If the cause of death cannot be determined, you may fill in the blank with your imagination and hold yourself accountable.
 And even knowing rationally that you were not responsible for your baby’s fatal condition, it is normal to feel as though you somehow contributed to it.
You may wonder how you might’ve behaved differently to somehow prevent this tragedy. You may even question the possibility that the most inconsequential acts might have led to your baby’s death.

Guilt arises from the normal sense of responsibility parents feel for their children, and the belief that we have control over what happens to us and our loved ones.

 It is a result of the expectation that if you do all the right things, you’ll have healthy babies and your children will live long lives. 

It comes from the idea that your job is to protect your baby from harm, and if you don’t, you are effectively a bad parent. Some parents suspect this is payback for youthful indiscretions or “bad karma.” 

In reality, none of us have complete control over our bodies, or our children’s destinies. 

If you’re struggling with guilt, try considering the following:

• Guilt is a normal part of grief.
• Guilt is a natural result of being a responsible, devoted parent.
• You need not believe every self-accusation that goes through your head.
• What happened was beyond your control and never your intention.
• You are not powerful enough to influence your baby’s fate with thoughts or feelings.
• You are not powerful enough to invite death with minor, inconsequential actions.
• You are not powerful enough to stop death.
• Your feelings of responsibility will fade as you move through your grief and adjust to your baby’s death.
• Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Still, some parents will blame themselves.

If your baby's prognosis was poor or uncertain, you may have made life-and-death decisions and feel especially responsible for the outcome.

 If you faced agonising decisions, it may help you to remember that you were in the impossible position of having to choose between terrible and horrible. Whatever your decisions, they were right for your particular circumstances and the information at hand. Most importantly, they were right for your baby, and arose out of your love for your little one and the desire to ease suffering.

Guilt can also accompany any regrets you may have about the time you spent with your little one after birth.
Many parents wish they had been able to spend more time or done certain nurturing acts, but of course, when you’re in the midst of crisis and trauma, it’s so hard to know what will be meaningful to look back on.
In fact, you did the best you could at the time, in that situation, in your emotional and physical condition, and with the amount of information and support available to you.

Forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now.

Guilt is also a way to hold onto the illusion that you have control over the uncontrollable.
It’s a way to try to make sense of the senseless.
Guilt can feel better than realising that we have very little control, and the resulting feelings of worry and vulnerability.

But in time, the torrent of grief and guilt gives way to smoother waters.

You will regain confidence in your ability to control what you can, and be able to cope with the uncertainties that life presents.

 And in time, you’ll look back and realise that having survived this, you can survive anything.