When someone close to you dies, your world is totally torn apart. 

When that loss is your baby or child that feeling is magnified a hundred fold. You feel as fragile as the thinnest tissue paper, feeling as if the slightest breeze might break you up completely. 

Friends, with only good intentions at heart, may try to console you, but so many of them don't know what to say or how to say it.

“What if I say something stupid?”. “What if I say something that makes them cry?” 

On most occasions there is nothing you can say that will make them feel sadder than they already are and just by trying to support them you will make them feel that you care.

However, there are some things that you really need to avoid saying to anyone that is grieving. Over recent weeks when I have visited families nearly all of them have mentioned at least one of the things I am going to cover. Whilst they really appreciated that people had made the effort to visit them they felt that some of the things they said they had really not thought about.

A common response that many families have said they have been told is

"Cheer up, your loved one would not want you to be sad"

I can almost understand the reasoning behind this but when you have just lost a loved one you cannot even think about feeling happy. You may feel that you are relieved that they are not suffering anymore but you have had a huge part of your life turned upside down and inside out. Grievers need to be sad in order for them to get to the other side of grief. When you love deeply you grieve deeply and the sadness is an important part of that.

Another common reaction is

"Try to focus on all the good things you have in your life."

Again, they are trying to give you support but it is not what a grieving person wants to hear when they have just had their world shattered into pieces. Trying to think of anything positive in your life at that time is almost impossible to do.

In time trying to look on the good things in your life may be possible but at that moment they will not want to be standing there saying look how lucky I am. 

"She/he is in a better place"

When you have just lost your baby or child the last thing you want to hear is this sentence, no matter how well meaning the person is. The best place for that child to be should be in their mothers arms with their family around them. Even people I have met who have a strong faith have said that this is where they have questioned their beliefs, some even struggling to return to their place of worship as they are questioning all they have been told over the years.

 “It’s been awhile since they died, It’s time you get over it.”

There is never a time limit on grief and people who say this have never experienced the death of someone close to them. Some people may find that they can move through their grief quicker than others but there should never be pressure put on them to move on and stop grieving. Most families will grieve for many many years and they will learn to live their life in a different way to before their loss, this does not mean they have moved on they have just found a way that enables them to keep going.

 “Cherish all of the wonderful memories. They will bring you peace.” 

I think this statement can be true, in time. But the last thing a newly grieving person wants to hear is to cherish the memories. When their heart is hurting and their mind is spinning and their faith is broken, thinking about memories cuts them because the only thing they want to do is create new memories, which they can no longer do.

 Also when it is the loss of a baby before birth, at birth or soon after birth, the families only have that small window of time before the funeral to make the memories that they will have forever. Knowing that these are the only memories you will have is not a comforting feeling, it feels as if your world is being pulled apart.

 “Pull yourself together because you need to be there for your kids.”

Grief, in its initial stages, is the emotional equivalent to having major surgery. The person is fragile and needs to heal. Following surgery, health care professionals will advise the patient to take it easy and focus on herself. No one would expect the patient to hop down off of the operating table after undergoing heart surgery so that she can fix her kids dinner. So please don’t make a grieving parent feel even worse by suggesting that she’s neglecting her children due to her grief. That’s just cruel.

Grief affects every aspect of someone’s physical and emotional health. It interferes with one’s ability to sleep, eat, concentrate, and function. Therefore, no one has the right to ask another person to swallow her pain in order to focus on others. Doing so only prolongs grief.

 “So, how about the match at the weekend?”

Though it may seem like you’re doing the griever a favour by keeping conversations at a superficial level, what grievers need is someone who is willing to let them be real. They need someone who isn’t afraid to talk about the tough stuff. The sad stuff. The human stuff. They need someone who will sit and listen and maybe even cry with them. This isn’t to say that you must never discuss sports or the weather. Just try to keep in mind that real healing comes from some of the heavier conversations.

 “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.” 

You need to do just that. Stop and think about how you would feel if you were faced with the griever’s circumstances. Consider their feelings, contemplate their pain, imagine their struggle. 

Doing so will spark empathy in you. And empathy is the best thing you can offer someone who is hurting because when you empathise, the right words will come more freely.

Reading this might be making you feel like you don't want to ever talk to someone grieving because you don't want to make their pain worse. You can never make their pain worse, the worst thing that could have happened to them has happened. Just remember to be there for them and let them cry, talk or even sit there in silence. 

Doing this can make such a difference to the grieving family and by doing so you have been a caring, loving friend.