When anyone we love dies our lives are changed; things we had planned will no longer be the same. The death of a baby is the least expected death, and the ongoing effect upon the remaining family can seem endless. One of the commonest things I hear said is: “You don’t expect to attend the funeral of your children.”
We assume in life that we will grow old, having watched our children become people and take their place in the adult world.
When your baby dies, whether through stillbirth, miscarriage or suddenly, we can feel that we have failed as parents. We were unable to stop them from dying, and the torturous feelings of failure coupled with vastness of loss can be horrendous.
Relationships with friends may be difficult too and it is normal to feel isolated and to be unable to express or discuss feelings even with those closest to you. Some couples keep their feelings to themselves in an effort to protect each other.
Sexual intimacy may also be affected by any bereavement but between parents it is normal for the sexual relationship to suffer. Physical/sexual intimacy may feel uncomfortable and both men and women may experience a lack of desire alongside a need to be close.
Longing for another baby may also be a confusing emotion that parents may not wish to discuss or share… there may be guilt at the thought of replacing your baby but these thoughts are normal and part of the search for and wanting to make life how it once was.
so how can you help yourselves?
Facing the death is the beginning… talking about your feelings even though it is painful and sometimes frightening. Communicating your thoughts, no matter how strange they may seem, can be very helpful. Often, partners share the same thoughts but are afraid to say them to each other.
If you have photographs keep them around so that others can talk about your baby and your loss more easily. sometimes friends and family are worried about upsetting you, when in fact not talking about it can make you feel more upset.
Counselling can be helpful, being able to talk about feelings in a non-judgemental and safe place can be enormously comforting and beneficial, but we are aware that for some people, counselling is not an option for many reasons,
There are some wonderful organisations available who offer support and understanding
www.Charlies-Angel-Centre.org.uk for more information
Men only group
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