Awareness and support

When you have Grief in your life, you quickly become an expert at juggling your emotions. You learn how to maintain your composure and get through each day, even though you know something too big for words is missing and sometimes, before you even see it coming, Grief shows up and changes everything. I realize that grandparents mourn twice once for the grandchild you so eagerly anticipate but perhaps even more so, you hurt like never before for your own child. 

My maternal instinct was to comfort and protect my daughter, but there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it for her. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. I wanted to kiss away this boo-boo like I did when she was a child,

I have also come to realise that the subject of a baby dying is something that is not widely spoken about unless it’s something a person has gone through.

                                           WHY ISN'T IT TALKED ABOUT?

I can only assume the words stillbirth, miscarriage, incompatible with life syndromes, are so horrific to think and talk about that people feel if they don't talk about it and think about it then it doesn’t happen, but the reality is it does happen to thousands of people around the world each day.

I don't think bereaved parents expect or ask for many things below is just a few ways you can show you care and more importantly acknowledge their child.

     1.  Remember our children.

We want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was. If you see something that reminds you of my child, tell me. If you are reminded at the holidays or on their birthday that I am missing my baby, please tell me you remember him or her. And when I speak his or her name or relive memories relive them with me, don't shrink away. If you never met my baby, don't be afraid to ask about him. One of my greatest joys is talking about him or her.

2. Accept that you can't "fix" us.

An out-of-order death such as child loss breaks a person (especially a parent) in a way that is not fixable or solvable — ever! We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same.Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with loss, and it's a solitary journey. We appreciate your support and hope you can be patient with us as we find our way.

3. Know that there are at least two days a year we need a time out.We still count birthdays and fantasize what our child would be like if he/she were still living. Birthdays are especially hard for us. Our hearts ache to celebrate our child's arrival into this world, but we are left becoming intensely aware of the hole in our hearts instead. Some parents create rituals or have parties while others prefer solitude. Either way, we are likely going to need time to process the marking of another year without our child.

No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of when our child died brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings (particularly if there is trauma associated with the child's death). The days leading up to that day can feel like impending doom or like it's hard to breathe. We may or may not share with you what's happening.

4. Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.

It's an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child with the desire to live in a way that honors them and their time on this earth,As bereaved parents, we are constantly balancing holding grief in one hand and a happy life after loss in the other. You might observe this when you are with us at a wedding, graduation or other milestone celebration. Don't walk away — witness it with us and be part of our process.

5. Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable.Our loss is unnatural, out-of-order; it challenges your sense of safety. You may not know what to say or do, and you're afraid you might make us lose it. We've learned all of this as part of what we're learning about grief.We will never forget our child. And in fact, our loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness. We would rather lose it because you spoke his/her name and remembered our child, than try and shield ourselves from the pain and live in denial.

Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who have endured one of life's most frightening events. Rise up with us.