Many people really want to help a friend or family member who is experiencing a loss or bereavement but words often fail them, often leaving them struggling for the right thing to say. Some people are 
so afraid to say or do the wrong thing that they choose to do nothing
at all. Doing nothing at all is an option, but it’s not often a good one.

While there is no perfect way to respond or to support someone you
care about, here are some good rules.

You have a supporting role, in your friend’s grief. So many of the suggestions, advice and “help” given to the griever tells them they should be doing this differently, or feeling differently than they do. 
Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the 
person experiencing it. You may think that you would do things differently if it had happened to you. We hope you don't get the 
chance to find out. This grief belongs to your friend, follow their 
lead.

It’s tempting to make statements about the past or the future when
your friend’s present life holds so much pain. You cannot know what
the future will be, for yourself or your friend, it may or may not be better “later.” That your friend’s life was good in the past is not a fair trade
for the pain of now. Stay present with your friend, even when the
present is full of pain.

It’s also tempting to make generalised statements about the situation
in an attempt to soothe your friend. You cannot know that your 
friend’s loved one is in a “better place.” These statements aren’t 
helpful. Stick with the truth: "this hurts. I love you. I’m here".

Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain 
itself cannot be made better. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable. It is a relief to have a friend who does not try to take the
pain away.

Being with someone in pain is not easy. You will have things come
up like stresses, questions, anger, fear, guilt. Your feelings will likely
be hurt. You may feel ignored and unappreciated. Your friend cannot show up for their part of the relationship very well. Please don’t take
it personally, and please don’t take it out on them. You will need to 
find someone else to lean on at this time. It’s important that you are supported while you support your friend. 

Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will
not call. This won't be because they do not need, but because 
identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is way beyond their energy levels or 
capacity . Instead, make definite offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work.” 
But remember be reliable.

The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do, 
but you can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your
friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Things
like walking the dog, bringing in the mail and offering to go to the
shops are all good choices. Support your friend in small, ordinary 
ways.

Depending on the circumstance, there may be difficult tasks that 
need tending to like packing and 
sorting of rooms. Offer your help and follow through with your 
offers. Follow your friend’s lead in these tasks. Your presence 
alongside them is powerful and important; words are often 
unnecessary. 

To the griever, the amount of people who want to show their support
can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might 
be ways you can shield your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person, the one who relays information to the 
outside world, or organizes well-wishers. 

You may find that other friends or family members ask you for information about your friend. You can normalize grief with 
responses like,”She has good moments and bad moments and will 
for quite some time. An loss changes every detail of your life.” If someone asks you about your friend a little further down the road, 
you might say things like, “Grief never really stops. It is something
you carry with you in different ways.

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something.
Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. 
Be present. Be a friend.

Losing a child is the loneliest, most isolating journey a person can take and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience.

No one wants to belong to this group.

The loss of a child is a pain all bereaved parents share, and it is something that is impossible to understand fully without experiencing it firsthand. Often, when we know someone else is going through grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching them. But those families want the world to remember their child or children, no matter how young or old they were.

If you see something that reminds you of their child, tell them. If you remember them at the holidays or on a birthday, tell them you remember them. And when they speak their name or relive memories relive them with them, don't hide away.

 If you never met their child, don't be afraid to ask about them. They are usually more than happy to tell you all about them. Talking about their child validates their existence and can bring comfort to the family.

Child loss can break a person in a way that is not fixable. They will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but their lives will never be the same again.

Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with their loss, and it can be a lonely journey.

The grieving family appreciate your support although at times they may find it difficult to show it.

Don't tell them it's time to get back to ‘normal’ life, don’t tell them it's been long enough, or that time heals all wounds. These all mean nothing to a grieving parent, they are empty words.

A grieving family will count birthdays just like any other parent, and imagine what their child would be like if they were still living. Birthdays can be especially hard. They long to celebrate their child's arrival into this world, but they are left feeling intensely aware of the hole in their hearts instead. Some parents arrange celebrations while others prefer to be on their own. Either way, they are likely to need time to process another year without their child.

Then there's the anniversary of the date their child became an angel. If their child had lived they would be marking milestones, counting days to start with then months until they hit their 1^st birthday. They are still counting in days, weeks, months and years but they are not seeing milestone achievements they are measuring the time they have been without their child.

No matter how many years go by, the anniversary of when their child died brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings. The days leading up to that day can be unbearable or feel like it is difficult to breathe. It's an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child with the need to live in a way that honours them and their time with them.

As a bereaved parent, they are forever balancing grief in one hand and a happy life after loss in the other.

 You may not know what to say or do, and you may be afraid you might upset them. Whereas in reality they have already been through the most upsetting time of their lives and you talking about their child can break the silence that is often put their as a way of self preservation.

They will never forget their child. And in fact, their loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness. They would rather shed a tear because you have spoke their child’s name and remembered their child, than try and shield themselves from the pain and live in denial. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. 

Tonight we are sharing with you one of our trustees experiences of how her and her family have dealt with their own bereavements. 

They are a very brave family to be able to share such personal and difficult times in their lives. 

Talking and sharing our experiences can be a good way of beginning to understand and cope with our grief.

Dawn's Story

In 2002 I gave birth to my second child Charlotte, I was delighted when I found out I was having a girl!

My pregnancy went well but as my first born Lewis was premature I expected Charlotte would be too. 

At 32 weeks my little girl arrived.

She appeared fine but then within 24 hours she had a pulmonary haemorrhage due to her blood not clotting and was heavily sedated and put on a ventilator. We were all puzzled as to what had gone wrong and it was about day 7 until a diagnosis of liver failure was found. 

After a long battle Charlotte passed away in our arms at 14 days old.

It felt like my world had fallen apart. Nobody can ever be prepared for the pain of losing a child.

On the evening Charlotte passed I remember walking out the hospital with just a blanket and a handful of leaflets feeling numb.

Apart from a routine visit from my GP I felt there was no professional support. 

I’d never even been to a funeral let alone organise my own baby's. I had a 3 yr old boy to look after who kept me going and a purpose to carry on.

We never got a reason for Charlotte's death except liver failure but as we wouldn’t agree to a post mortem there wasn’t a medical reason.

Several months past and I found out I was pregnant again. 

We were delighted but very nervous. I was monitored very closely but at 36 weeks my baby girl Sophie arrived, she was perfect and healthy and helped comfort those empty feelings and dark days.

2008 I gave birth to another girl Ruby Isabelle, I always had a niggle that she would need tests and monitoring but I was reassured by the doctors that I had 2 healthy children and not to worry. Shortly after birth Ruby had her routine bloods done. Her blood sugars were extremely low. They took her the neonatal unit and started to do further tests. Within 24 hours Ruby’s clotting levels were low and our heart sank when they told us Ruby was very ill. They were pretty confident the results indicated there were medical issue that Charlotte had when she was born.

We were truly devastated how can life be so cruel. The doctors knew there had to be a medical reason not just bad luck. To have 2 babies presenting liver failure must be caused by something else. The obvious condition to them was something called Neonatal Haemochromotosis. This is a very rare condition but with the little knowledge known about it they tried their best to keep Ruby alive and treat her with various drugs and blood products.

On day 4 Ruby deteriorated quickly and we had to make the heart wrenching decision to take her off life support.

Having been through the pain already didn’t make it any easier, in fact it made it worse knowing how difficult the journey ahead was going to be. Once again I had to walk away with yet more leaflets, a blanket and a broken heart in the cold night sky.

Hours felt like days and weeks felt like months, I had Lewis and Sophie at home and telling them their baby sister had gone to heaven was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Through my own pain I had to comfort them too.

We agreed to a part post mortem for Ruby to give us some answers. The results were clear cut, Neonatal Haemochromotosis was the reason my babies were taken from me. It is a very rare disease that happens during pregnancy when the mother develops an antibody that causes a buildup of iron in the baby’s liver and other organs. After the index case it is an 80-90% chance of recurrence and the survival rate is very poor.

We know now that Sophie really was a miracle! 

The liver consultant told us that a doctor in America had done a lot of research on the disease and found a preventative treatment during pregnancy. I needed to know more about this and began to have contact with the doctor in America.

I had to give it a go! 

Everyone thought I was crazy but I needed to try the treatment I wanted to bring home a healthy baby. I felt a lot of guilt that my body had caused the death of my baby girls. I felt having a successful treatment I would be giving other families hope and I was doing it in the memory of Charlotte and Ruby.

In December 2009 I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and a couple of chemical pregnancy’s following that. I didn’t know if I could take much more heart ache but I did fall pregnant again and began my treatment which meant sitting on a drip 11 hours every Thursday for 20 weeks! It felt like a massive mountain to climb and a very difficult journey as I didn’t really know what the outcome was going to be.

There had only been 1 other lady in the UK who had gone through the treatment but it was successful.

10th September 2010 my precious Hannah arrived after a planned delivery, it was nerve wracking waiting for her blood result but miraculously she was fine! the treatment had worked. She had some scarring on her liver but after 11 days we brought home Hannah Faye healthy and a little miracle.

As a family we had been through so much and years of heartache.

I always wanted to help other families but didn’t know where to start. I openly talked about my girls to people and kept their memory alive. 

About 18 months ago I came across Charlies-Angels and could relate to their mission to put better after care in place. Their story about Charlie touched my heart and I began to attend fundraising events and having contact with Sam and Clive.

The work they have done and are continuing to do is amazing and I wanted to help them make a difference so I became a trustee. 

Helping other families who are feeling the pain I have felt gives me comfort and helps me cope.

Saturday 29th April saw 2 very special girls take on the challenging 'Radical Run' at Temple Newsam Park, Leeds.

Rhiann (10) & Amy (8) took on this event in memory of their cousin Charlie. They have always been involved with so many of our fundraising events and as they have got older they have wanted to try new and exciting challenges.

When they initially agreed to do the run I don't think they actually truly understood what they were taking on. Once we got to the park they began to look a little nervous bless them. It did look a pretty daunting course especially when you are only small.

We got them registered and took them down to the warm up area. They were definitely looking very nervous by now and matters weren't made better when Amy had to take off her glasses to run. The officials had been told that for health and safety reasons glasses were not allowed. For those who know Amy they can understand why she was a bit upset, her vision is not the best without her specs.

The organisers began to let the kids of a row at a time.

Suddenly they were off, Granddad went with them to the first obstacle to help them conquer their nerves and when they ran out the other end of the inflatable maze they were both smiling.

They then began to look as if they were really enjoying themselves and were even laughing together. For those of you with this age daughters you can truly understand how 'unusual' that can be !!!

Part of the course involved the girls going round a short course on a space hopper, it was so funny watching them bounce round.

https://www.facebook.com/CharliesAngelCentre/videos/806385026194626/

Both girls ended up thoroughly enjoying themselves and Amy has already said she would love to do the Colour Run next.

The girls managed to raise the amazing total of £565. Well Done girls we are all so proud of you.

Last weekend we spent the days in Lush Spa, Commercial Street, Leeds. 

One of the ladies we have supported had contacted Lush initially to see if they could donate a prize for the auction at our Charity Ball.

They got back to us and unfortunately they no longer offer such prizes.

However they now allow charities to go into store for their Charity Pot events. 

These events mean that someone from a charity can apply to go along to their nearest Lush store to raise money. 
We went along on both the Saturday & Sunday to set up our charities leaflets and info whilst the store sold a product known as the 'Charity Pot' Hand & Body lotion. All the money from selling these products goes to the charity.

The staff at the Leeds store were amazing, they made us feel so welcome and went out of their way to make sure we were ok. They even gave us a tour of their Spa which looked like an amazing experience.

The staff had all read our leaflets so they knew a little about us so they could talk to the customers about us and if someone wanted to find out more about us the staff would bring them over to us. 
The staff were also given a target by their manager of a total they would like to achieve.

Throughout Saturday I was able to talk to many customers about our work and a few had heard of us and were pleased to meet us and get chance to chat.
There were a few customers who came into the shop and you could see them reading our banner, eventually they plucked up the courage to come over to us and share their story. It was great to know that we could support these people face to face and they all seemed to leave looking happy that they had got chance to talk to us.

At the end of Saturday the shop manager, James, said that he thought that they had taken around £300 for us. This was amazing.

We went back Sunday morning and had another great day, I was surprised at how many people actually go out shopping on a Sunday but I think the lovely weather helped. The staff were again so supportive and many were actively approaching customers about the charity pot product. Their target for the Sunday had been £150.

At the end of Sunday we packed up, weary from busy day, but very happy and grateful to everyone who had supported our cause. We were told that the figures would all have to go off to head office and once they had a total raised they would let us know. We can't wait to find out what the final figure is.

The manager told us that he would be happy for us to go back into store at a later date in the year which is brilliant. 
James said the fact that we were a local charity was a big reason he wanted us to go back and because he has a small child it was a cause he felt he could really appreciate. He said he could not even begin to imagine how he would deal with losing a child and that the support should be there immediately for these families.

Thank You so much to everyone who came in store and bought the product, Thank You to all the staff who made us feel so appreciated and Thank You to everyone who passed by us and said hello.
As soon as we have a total for the money raised we will let you all know.

Through my work I was sent on a course to look at how I could help people that had been effected by grief.

Everyone has ideas and thoughts about how it will affect you and they mainly seem to be linked to how your mind deals with it. 

However a lot of the reactions we experience are physical responses. 

One of the most common early symptoms of grief is extreme tiredness that makes even routine tasks hard. Some people have even said that it feels like having the worst case of flu, in that you don't feel like you can even get your body out of bed. 

You feel total fatigue that completely knocks you off your feet.

When you suffer a loss you can feel like your heart has been totally broken and again we feel that this is an emotional reaction. 

Over the years scientists have found that grief can actually cause heart problems. 

Grief not only changes our hormones it can also cause changes to our immune system which can make you prone to many more ailments. 

You may find that you are picking up every bug that is doing the rounds and that the minute you start to recover from one you start with another.

It has also been shown that the stress caused by the grief can lead on to increasing rates of heart problems in vulnerable people.

In older people experiencing grief it has even been shown that the loss of a partner can bring on heart conditions which can shorten their own life span considerably. 

With these physical problems that can occur, and not everyone will get them, it is so important that you try to take care of yourselves. 

I know this can be really hard to do and can often fall on to other family members to make sure that the grieving person is eating and taking in enough water. Just these two things can make a huge difference to the persons quality of life. 

We have all heard so much about the positive benefits of exercise and being out in the sunshine and we can be quite sceptical about this but it has been proven that even a short 20 minute walk outside can help you cope with things more. 

I know it can feel like a huge mountain to conquer but with support from family & friends and sometimes professional support, families can move on. 

Knowing that the physical things you have been experiencing are totally normal and are actually happening, rather than you thinking it is all in your head, can make you see that you are 'not going mad' you are GRIEVING.

Grief is a very powerful emotion and can cause both mental and physical reactions. Don't let others tell you any different or make you feel like you are making it up. 

Bereavement support is so important to anyone going through the loss of a loved one and getting the right support can make a persons adaptions to their new lives a lot easier to bare.

If you know someone that is grieving spare a moment to pop round to say hello, take them a prepared dinner or just sit with them for a while. Showing you care can make a huge difference.

   

This time of year can be quite difficult for a grieving family. 

Easter is traditionally a time for families to get together and celebrate, even if you are not religious. 
It is normally one of the occassions during the year when the family all gets together, but it is also the time that you look around and realise the people who are not with you anymore. 
Family gatherings can either be very difficult for a grieving family or be a chance to all have the chance to talk and grieve together.

Nowadays Easter has taken on a more commercialised meaning and revolves around the giving and receiving of Easter eggs. The shops are full of chocolate and activities to do with your little ones and all around you there seems to be events all geared for families with their children. Everywhere you turn and every TV channel you turn to is all about families and their children.

For families that have lost a baby or child it can feel overwhelming.

If they have other children they want to make it a fun time for them but they will always have their missing child in their thoughts. Walking round the shops seeing all the families and parents buying all the eggs can bring emotions to a head. 

This is where friends, extended family and support networks can really provide support, they can offer to help organise an activity for the children taking the pressure of the grieving parents. Being able to see their other children join in with the celebrations can be a huge weight lifted of their shoulders. They can often feel guilty that they do not feel able to participate in things like they used to and knowing that the kids are not missing out can be an enormous help. Just being there for them might give them that extra bit of strength to keep going when all they want to do is stop.

For those that have a strong faith they may find this time of year quite the opposite, they can draw strength from attending the Easter services and being around people who share their views. They may feel that going to their church brings them closer to their child and the extra services that are going on can allow them to be around others for support.

Whatever way you find the best for you to get through these holidays please remember to spare a thought for any parents or families that you know that might be really struggling with their grief. Dropping them a text or nipping round to check that they are ok can make a big difference.

If you are worried about a family or you are a bereaved parent who is finding this holiday period difficult remember that we are always here to offer help and support. 
Go to our website, www.Charlies-Angel-Centre.org.uk, to look at the ways we can help you. The telephone numbers to contact us are on there and there is always someone there at the end of the phone to listen to you.

Please Don't struggle on alone.